The deed was done; there was no going back after this.
“Sidi will definitely kill me”
I began to panic, picking all my loose clothing from the various spheres of the dimly lit room
“What do I do? How do I escape this? I was only called on to watch on the kids and now this grave mistake, Oh God! Sumbo what is wrong with you, why couldn’t you resist, say no, jump out of the widow, run like no man’s business?”
“Talking to yourself in hushed tones makes you look mad you know? Don’t worry we will be fine, besides that lanky numpty of a wife won’t be back anytime soon, relax you are too tense”
“Easy for you to say, you are a cheat, you are in your palace, and this is your specialty!”
“C’mon don’t be like that; I am sure you do this at every other house you work at!”
“The nerve? Because of this yeye experience I don turn ashawo for your eye abi? Nor be ya fault, na me I blame, chai Sumbo how low can you go!”
“Daddy Teni! I am back oh, you wouldn’t believe the day I have had, crazy as hell. Daddy Teni? Where are you? Actually I should know, you are in the room watching football. I will be up in a minute, I stopped by the market to get some fruits. Let me wash and cut them and I will be right up.”
We both looked at each other too shocked to move, I could see his eyes widen with fear, my heart was thumping like a horse on a race course, I willed it to stop, no not to stop thumping but to actually stop because that was the only way I was getting out of this nightmare – dead, so why couldn’t I choose how I was going to die? We were right to be scared, Sidi – Mummy Teni was always happy and always smiling, those were the kind of people that when they snapped they took crazy to a whole new level.
“Sumbo,” He whispered
“Huh?”
“We are dead!”
“Don’t I know it?”
“So Daddy Teni what match are you watching that has you so engrossed that you couldn’t even answer me? I bet that team of yours Manchester United is involved?… Daddy Teni? Are you okay, up there?”
Sensing the concern in her voice I knew it was only a matter of time before she headed up to see if he was okay
“Are you dumb? Answer the bloody woman before she makes her way up here!”
“Errr… darling am fine, I just am not feeling too well,” he called out
Oh my God! I was stuck with an idiot
“You are not feeling too well??? What do you think she is going to do? Stay down there chopping fruits or come up here and chop us both?”
“Ah not feeling well ke? What happened? You were fine when I left this morning, I am coming up!” She responded
I found it strange that she had to announce that she was coming up but I was grateful for it because that gave me ample time to duck under the bed, wham! Like lightening I was under the bed and thanking my mother for passing me her thin frame, it had saved me many times. I started to pray, I don’t know why but I started to pray, I mean I wasn’t religious or anything but something just told me pray hard you are going to need all the prayers you can get.
“Emmm… no mummy Teni, you don’t need to come up, I am fine, I just needed…”
The door cracked open
“But you said you were not feeling well; let me examine you. Ah! You are burning up and you are sweating heavily, you must be having a fever. Let me see what we have in the drugs cabinet and I will bring up the fruits, thank God I stopped to buy them.”
The door cracked close
Ah! I released a sigh of relaxed breath. That was close, too close for comfort and the stupid man up there is going to get pampered for doing the wrong thing? Where is the justice in the world? But I should be grateful, if this woman caught me, I am sure I will be…The door cracked open again, I could just manage to see what was happening. Mummy Teni stuck her head in and asked
“By the way Daddy Teni, where is Sumbo? And the kids? Did she take them out for Ice cream?”
“Woman, I am here down with fever and you expect me to bother with the frivolities of a nanny and the kids?”
“Haba Daddy Teni! Being sick doesn’t make one irresponsible now! Did they at least mention where they were going?”
“Ahem! Well yes, she took the kids over to Amaka’s house so they could play with her kids.”
“Oh she did? Wonderful!”
I thought to myself, thank God this woman is buying this whole story. I mean the kids were at Amaka’s house quite alright but what possessed me not to stay with them and return to this idiot of a man I couldn’t tell. Crack the door opened again, I was getting used to the sequence and my heart beat had lowered, I had managed to clothe myself under the bed. Suddenly I heard what I thought was someone calling me, nah! Crazy hallucination.
“Sumbo! I know you can hear me, come out from under the bed.”
I was struggling to tell the difference between the voices, was that Daddy Teni’s voice or mummy Teni’s voice? My heart began to beat faster, I could have sworn it was in a dancing competition and was showing off alanta moves, as I blinked and hoped I was in a dream of some sort, her head popped into view
“Sumbo! I will not repeat myself, please come out from under the bed!”
What threw me wasn’t the loving but firm way she spoke, it was the lovely smile she exuded showing off her elegantly placed 32’s.
“Mummy Teni, please, Please I can explain.”
“Oh yes! I’m sure you can, and am sure you will,” she replied still smiling
“Ehn! Sumbo? What are you doing under my bed? You see mummy Teni, this is why I warned you against nannies and strangers in our house, Sumbo! What were you planting under my bed? What were you…?”
“Badejo shut up! You! You! Am coming to you!”
Finally! A reaction, I almost applauded her, if not that I was in that unfortunate position. I mean how could he deny me at this point? Did he really think she was going to fall for that? Sumbo! Focus! And as I focused I saw Mummy Teni smiling at me again, very lovingly too, my heart palpitations increased.
“Sumbo why do you look so terrified? I’m smiling aren’t I? If I am smiling, you should be smiling, don’t look confused, just smile.”
I was highly confused! This woman has gone crazy and the best way to deal with a crazy person was act crazy myself, so I smiled, my best brightest smile.
“Good! Wonderful!, I like your smile, you look just wonderful!”
“Thank you?”
“Yes, hahaha! That is the perfect response! Thank you!”
“Darling, take it easy we can explain this…”
“Oh! Am darling now? I was mummy Teni some minutes ago. Badejo! start smiling, please give me your best smile!”
“Baby please don’t…”
“Badejo!!!! I said start smiling!!!” she erupted
“Ok, Ok! I’m smiling, See, shining his crooked teeth, I’m smiling”
“Wonderful! Just wonderful! Sumbo come come dear, come sit down. I bought some fruits up from the market, here have some.”
“Emmm, No thank you Mummy Teni. I’m fine thank you ma.”
“No I insist, please! You are a visitor in our home, please have some fruit.”
“No thank you ma, am fine thank…”
“Have this fruit now and sit your bloody behind down on that bed!!!” she exploded
But just as soon as she exploded, she returned to smiling. Now I was really scared. Sumbo! Sumbo! Your mother warned you! She warned you but would you listen? No! Omo alaigboran ni e (A child that doesn’t listen), I could hear my mother’s words ringing. A part of me felt like I was being prepared to meet my creator, that scared me even more. Daddy Teni had joined me on the bed with his own plate of fruits and his face was a sight for sore eyes. He looked like a little child who had been caught stealing meat from the pot, well in actual fact this was worse… trickle trickle… Oh My dayz! He had even peed on himself! For a married, supposed fearless man to pee on himself it only meant one thing; bush meat had caught the hunter.
“So yes, now that we are seated, remember I was saying I had a crazy day from hell? I’m sure you heard me from under the bed Sumbo, yes?
“Yes ma”
“Stop with the ma already, it’s all so precarious, you could tip me off the balance. Please call me Mummy Teni like you’ve always done, don’t accord me any more respect than you have to. It’s unnecessary”
“Darling, please we can handle this. I swear we can…”
“That warning goes to you too Badejo!, stick to Mummy Teni!”
“Mummy Teni I started please, it was the devil…”
“Oh!! but of course It was!!! It can’t be God, it can’t be me, heaven forbid it is you, so definitely it is the devil! Next time you interrupt me, I think I will go crazy.”
Go crazy? So this wasn’t crazy? So what did crazy look like? Kai! Sumbo you are finished today!
“So, as I was saying, my crazy day from hell, I was at my office trying to sort out that big specification project I have been telling you about pointing at Daddy Teni I had the final meeting with the partners this morning and just before going in I noticed an important document was missing, so I called Ada and asked,
“Ada where is the report submitted by Mr. Benson?”
“Mr Benson”? She asked
“No! Mr Sonben, don’t ask me silly questions today, today is not the day to ask me silly questions Ada, where is the report?”
“It should be in the file ma, I put it in the file yesterday ma.”
“Well if you put it in the file, it should be there, documents are inanimate objects, they don’t walk, and there is no way it could have moved from there” I told her.
Ok? Was I meant to be enjoying the story of how her day went? This woman is another kind of crazy. Maybe a good kind of crazy, Maybe, just maybe I could sit back, relax, suck these oranges and all might be well in the end. God please let all be well in the end I will never do anything bad in my life after this, I might even become a nun. Please God!
“Anyways to cut the long story short, she didn’t even put the document in the file in the first place almost causing me a heart attack. So I went in for the meeting, a little flustered, but managed to gather my thoughts and pull through. Just as the meeting was finishing, Ada ran into the room and told me that Teni was on the line and she was freaking out. I was surprised, because I felt whatever the matter was she could have spoken to Sumbo, so I excused myself from the meeting and went to answer the call.”
“Hello Teni? Mummy is working, what is it dear?”
“Mummy! Its Tobi, we were playing and… and I don’t know how it happened but mummy…”
“Slow down Teni, take a deep breath! What is wrong with Tobi? Tell me what happened, Where is your aunt Sumbo?”
“We were all playing and Emeka kicked the ball out of the compound and Tobi ran to get it and I don’t know what happened but Tobi was lying on the floor and he wasn’t moving and an okada man too was lying on the floor and…”
“Yepa! Awon omo yi pa mi!! (Oh my days, this children have killed me) Teni!! Where is aunt Sumbo? Where is Tobi now?”
Amidst tears she responded
“Aunty Sumbo is at home with Daddy and aunty Amaka has taken Tobi to the hospital. I tried to call Daddy but his number is not going through and I don’t remember aunty Sumbo’s number.”
“It’s okay baby, I will call aunty Amaka. Don’t worry Tobi will be fine, and everything will be fine.”
“So I rushed from my office calling Amaka on the way to the hospital and thank God Almighty who will not let me cry over my children, Tobi was alive and had only suffered a minor injury to his left ankle. I tried to call you but as Teni rightly said, it didn’t connect, I called Sumbo, it didn’t connect either, so I decided to come home and get you so that we could go back to the hospital.”
I could see Daddy Teni from the corner of my eyes, he had all sorts of expressions on his face, if I was watching this as a movie, I would have applauded his acting prowess but alas this was no movie, it was happening live!
“So I rushed home and came straight up, knowing full well that you would be up here and what did I find?, you neck deep in ise ku se! (bad thing!) Ha Badejo! O loju ti!(you are shameless) Please take your fruits, every last one; there is no waste in this house.”
I wondered how I was able to relax in this situation; I was lulled by her story and felt at ease. This is wrong, I should be panicked, shaken, afraid, desperate to get out but no I was very much at ease. This is bad, this is really bad but these oranges were good, very tasty.
“Well let me not waste too much of our precious time.”
By now she had picked up the knife she used in cutting the fruit, which was on the floor. Ehen! Finally! This was the ideal reaction!, Wait oh! Sumbo are you mad? She picked a knife and you are hyping her? Maybe I was the one going crazy here, talking to myself in the middle of hot kwanta (trouble). And suddenly she dropped it on the tray and continued
“We need to pray and ask God for forgiveness. We need to confess all our sins, because all have sinned and come short of the glory of God and without righteousness no man will see God. Please let’s kneel together.”
“Excuse me?” Daddy Teni asked
“Pardon me?” I choked
“I said let’s pray! We need God to forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. I will call out the prayer points and we shall all pray, please I want us to take this very seriously.”
So we both knelt looking at each other congratulatory, like it was our lucky day and we both prayed earnestly. I could hear Daddy Teni thanking God for his wonderful wife with a heart of forgiveness and at that point I said to myself wow! Are there still people like this on this earth? Who turn the other cheek? and I genuinely prayed, prayed to God to help me and forgive me and prayed for his grace to walk uprightly. I prayed He would help me find a good church where I could worship and then I heard Mummy Teni praying intensely to God asking Him to forgive her and I wondered what could she need forgiveness for? She was the victim here, and she completed her prayer saying
“For the poisoned apples and oranges I gave them to eat, I am truly sorry”
The last thing I heard was Teni coming into the room and asking her mother
“Mummy what is wrong with Daddy and Aunty Sumbo? They are lying like Tobi was on the street.”
To which she simply replied “I am sorry baby, the bush meat said hello to the hunter! They said their last prayer and have gone to visit Jesus”
Silence
TheEllaEmma 